我差点想要自杀。堂妹刚告诉我，我爸爸跟我最亲的啊姨和舅舅说我的坏话，说到很差劲，说到我很噩毒，说我故意要若麻烦。而他们俩也相信我爸。起初我还以为可能可以跟我堂妹的父母变得更亲，如果自己的爸爸不要我了，可能还可以假装舅舅是我新爸。但我想这现在是一见不可能的事了。
全部的大人都认为我是一个很不怀好意的人。我真的那么坏吗？我常常想做善是啊。可能是因为我真的是坏人，而要做善事来弥补我做的坏事。我不想当坏人啊。我真的没有坏心肠啊。要不然生活对我来说就没什么意义了。
我真的讨厌死我爸和他的新老婆。讨厌到要命！！！！！我很恨你们俩，恨到心疼，恨到很想哭和喊，恨到我的心会变黑。可事若我心黑了，也不会比你们，刘健伟和你的新老婆，的心黑。
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
You're Nothing
That's what my parents would often say whenever I turned to them, hoping for a little encouragement or reassurance. And till today, the story remains the same. With these words drilled into my head from young, it's hard to ever imagine if I could ever amount to anything more than what I currently amount to. I can't tell for sure whether I am destructing myself with my self-defeatist mentality, or whether I really am such a mediocre person that I can never ever do anything right.
Why did those 2 people have to do this to me? Why nurture me to be such a miserable, pathetic little creature. Why couldn't either of you just say "Good Job" when I deserved it? Maybe I really didn't. But no child is born an imbecile right? I couldn't possibly have been exceptional and born a rotten apple right? But then again almost every teacher I ever had had something negative to say about me. Oh especially my lower secondary form teacher who even told my best friend's parents to make sure their daughter stayed away from me because I was a "rotten apple". “烂萍果”, she said.
I mean, as crappy a creature as I am, those words hurt. All that rejection hurts. They all really do hurt. The way you all stupid fucking adults have treated me has wounded me deeply, and I hope time will heal me. But I think it will be a long time.
Lots say that I can't take criticism, and I can't take rejection. Yes I can't take all these things ANYMORE! Please stop burying me with them because one day, I will suffocate and die. And my blood will be on the hands of all of you.
Why did those 2 people have to do this to me? Why nurture me to be such a miserable, pathetic little creature. Why couldn't either of you just say "Good Job" when I deserved it? Maybe I really didn't. But no child is born an imbecile right? I couldn't possibly have been exceptional and born a rotten apple right? But then again almost every teacher I ever had had something negative to say about me. Oh especially my lower secondary form teacher who even told my best friend's parents to make sure their daughter stayed away from me because I was a "rotten apple". “烂萍果”, she said.
I mean, as crappy a creature as I am, those words hurt. All that rejection hurts. They all really do hurt. The way you all stupid fucking adults have treated me has wounded me deeply, and I hope time will heal me. But I think it will be a long time.
Lots say that I can't take criticism, and I can't take rejection. Yes I can't take all these things ANYMORE! Please stop burying me with them because one day, I will suffocate and die. And my blood will be on the hands of all of you.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Y'know
I wish people could understand that some things are harder for me than they are for other people.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Damaged Goods
You break your things as you throw them around.
Plastic broken, wood is chipped, as they hit the ground.
Maybe it hurts for them
Maybe it hurts for them
I think I see bits of glass lying over there.
Are you gonna clear them up, or perhaps not care?
The glass might cut
The glass might cut
Can’t be used cuz they’re damaged goods.
Damaged and broken, can’t be used.
When you first saw me I was beautiful.
Maybe even the best thing to happen to you.
You forgot
You forgot
I’m not a shirt from the department store.
Not some lousy shelf, lamp, chair that’s been used before.
But a child
Only a child
A child’s been thrown around like a ragdoll.
Head split open guts strewn over your whitewashed floors.
What more do you expect?
What more do you expect?
Can’t be used cuz they’re damaged goods.
Damaged and broken, can’t be used.
Plastic broken, wood is chipped, as they hit the ground.
Maybe it hurts for them
Maybe it hurts for them
I think I see bits of glass lying over there.
Are you gonna clear them up, or perhaps not care?
The glass might cut
The glass might cut
Can’t be used cuz they’re damaged goods.
Damaged and broken, can’t be used.
When you first saw me I was beautiful.
Maybe even the best thing to happen to you.
You forgot
You forgot
I’m not a shirt from the department store.
Not some lousy shelf, lamp, chair that’s been used before.
But a child
Only a child
A child’s been thrown around like a ragdoll.
Head split open guts strewn over your whitewashed floors.
What more do you expect?
What more do you expect?
Can’t be used cuz they’re damaged goods.
Damaged and broken, can’t be used.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
That's what she said
When I was little and totally a Jehovah's Witness, I, like all the other JW children, were not allowed to have friends from "the world". "The world" being everyone who isn't JW. So that being said, I didn't have many friends when I was little. Not a lot of JW kids wanted to be friends with me either cuz my family was dysfunctional and other JW parents told their kids to "not get too close to us".
It was ironic though, that the elders in the congregation kept encouraging me and my brother to seek more friends in "the Truth" (that's what they called the organization) and not mix so much with people outside. Because THEIR kids were some of those shunning us. So there was this period of time when I genuinely wanted to find a girl whom I could be good friends with in "the Truth" and I discussed all the possible candidates with my mum.
I actually really wanted to be friends with this girl, Valerie, who was the daughter of one of the nicest elders around, and who didn't have many friends either, cuz she mostly kept to herself. I told my mum about her, but my mum discouraged me from being good friends with her because she was too "temperamental". So I didn't establish a friendship with Valerie in the end.
Today, I must say that I myself am possibly the most temperamental person I know. I even used to have to take medication for it. This is the greatest irony of all. If everyone's parents thought like my mum, I would have absolutely not a single friend on this earth. Not even a hi-bye friend. Sometimes I wonder if the gods put a curse on me and my mum the day she judged a poor pre-teen for being "temperamental" and prevented her from gaining a friend.
It's like they're saying, "You want temperamental? We'll give you temperamental!" And look at me today. Ah well..
It was ironic though, that the elders in the congregation kept encouraging me and my brother to seek more friends in "the Truth" (that's what they called the organization) and not mix so much with people outside. Because THEIR kids were some of those shunning us. So there was this period of time when I genuinely wanted to find a girl whom I could be good friends with in "the Truth" and I discussed all the possible candidates with my mum.
I actually really wanted to be friends with this girl, Valerie, who was the daughter of one of the nicest elders around, and who didn't have many friends either, cuz she mostly kept to herself. I told my mum about her, but my mum discouraged me from being good friends with her because she was too "temperamental". So I didn't establish a friendship with Valerie in the end.
Today, I must say that I myself am possibly the most temperamental person I know. I even used to have to take medication for it. This is the greatest irony of all. If everyone's parents thought like my mum, I would have absolutely not a single friend on this earth. Not even a hi-bye friend. Sometimes I wonder if the gods put a curse on me and my mum the day she judged a poor pre-teen for being "temperamental" and prevented her from gaining a friend.
It's like they're saying, "You want temperamental? We'll give you temperamental!" And look at me today. Ah well..
Sunday, May 16, 2010
SATC
I really love Sex and the City for all of it's feminism, spunk and openness. It's gotta be my most favourite tv serial of all.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Blind Obedience
The problems that blind obedience or blind conformity can create are beyond one can imagine. The worse thing is that our society and the human race is so completely absorbed in it and most people don't even realize it.
First of all, what is blind obedience? Blind obedience is conforming to the norm without even understanding why you are doing so. Blind obedience is doing things for the sake of doing it just because. Blind obedience is being too afraid of thinking for yourself.
Tonnes of examples exist in every nook and cranny of society. People make their children go to school just because. Children must get straight As or they will be doomed just because. An office job, preferably a straight accounting or marketing job, is a better ambition just because. Couples in love must get married and have children just because.
At the end of the day, are these really our reasons to live? Are our ambitions that pathetic? Just because everyone else is doing it?
If my goal in life is only to be an accountant, I would rather die.
Unless, here's the twist, I have my reasons for being an accountant. Unless I know exactly why I want to be an accountant, perhaps because I love figures or because I have a strong drive to continue a family business, then the goal is no longer pathetic. It's just this very slight twist that makes a world of difference, understanding why you are doing something, as opposed to doing it just because everyone else thinks you should do it.
Some families fuck themselves up because of blind obedience. Newly married couples rush to make babies just because it is totally conventional to do so, without actually considering whether they are ready to have children, or whether they are even conditioned to have children. When the babies finally pop out and start growing, and things get a little rough around the edges, it may be a little too late for couples to realize they made a mistake. Some couples sadly fuck their families up because they couldn't really handle it.
In my opinion, blind obedience can be equated to the removal of one's brain and eyes, for it stupidifies people and make them lose their abilities to see their actual situation for itself.
That is also the meaning behind my tattoo, the androgynous face with its eyeballs gouged out and brains spilling out of its head. Needless to say, it's on my ass because I am vehemently against it, and it can jolly well be right next to my asshole.
First of all, what is blind obedience? Blind obedience is conforming to the norm without even understanding why you are doing so. Blind obedience is doing things for the sake of doing it just because. Blind obedience is being too afraid of thinking for yourself.
Tonnes of examples exist in every nook and cranny of society. People make their children go to school just because. Children must get straight As or they will be doomed just because. An office job, preferably a straight accounting or marketing job, is a better ambition just because. Couples in love must get married and have children just because.
At the end of the day, are these really our reasons to live? Are our ambitions that pathetic? Just because everyone else is doing it?
If my goal in life is only to be an accountant, I would rather die.
Unless, here's the twist, I have my reasons for being an accountant. Unless I know exactly why I want to be an accountant, perhaps because I love figures or because I have a strong drive to continue a family business, then the goal is no longer pathetic. It's just this very slight twist that makes a world of difference, understanding why you are doing something, as opposed to doing it just because everyone else thinks you should do it.
Some families fuck themselves up because of blind obedience. Newly married couples rush to make babies just because it is totally conventional to do so, without actually considering whether they are ready to have children, or whether they are even conditioned to have children. When the babies finally pop out and start growing, and things get a little rough around the edges, it may be a little too late for couples to realize they made a mistake. Some couples sadly fuck their families up because they couldn't really handle it.
In my opinion, blind obedience can be equated to the removal of one's brain and eyes, for it stupidifies people and make them lose their abilities to see their actual situation for itself.
That is also the meaning behind my tattoo, the androgynous face with its eyeballs gouged out and brains spilling out of its head. Needless to say, it's on my ass because I am vehemently against it, and it can jolly well be right next to my asshole.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Story of my life
On set yesterday, I found out that one of the veteran actors knew palmistry and could analyze names. The things he analyzed from my palm and name were freakishly accurate.
When he first took a look at my palm, he looked up at me with a sad expression on his face. I later found out that it was because he felt sorry for me, as he could read that my life has been fraught with problems since birth. He then predicted that only when I find a certain man, can my life become stabilized and less rough. However, this man is not the ideal man of my dreams. He also read that I would not live a very long live, because there is a lot of hatred and resentment pent up in my heart. My life lines can change though, if I am able to find a source of zen.
From my name, he analyzed that I had a good heart, but my kindness is often taken for granted. Also, I am very extreme, whereby sometimes I can be extremely quiet and reserved, while other times I can be extremely loud and active.
All these sound too much like my life. This guy didn't even know me personally!
He then told me that for some people who are more unfortunate than others, it could well be because of their names. He told me that when he was a teenager, he changed the strokes of his name, and luck has always been on his side till now.
At that moment, I seriously did consider changing my name as well, for there are far too many times I have felt too unhappy in my life. But on second thought, the happy moments I've had are countless too. True I've had a great many rough patches to overcome, but most times, either I've had true friends and loved ones who stood by me. or I learnt something important from the occasion that could benefit me for life.
Just like how my parents gave me my looks and whatever I have today, they gave me my name too. There has to be a reason why they gave me this name and why I am standing in these feet. Perhaps it's for me to tell my own story, the story of 刘慧娴。
When he first took a look at my palm, he looked up at me with a sad expression on his face. I later found out that it was because he felt sorry for me, as he could read that my life has been fraught with problems since birth. He then predicted that only when I find a certain man, can my life become stabilized and less rough. However, this man is not the ideal man of my dreams. He also read that I would not live a very long live, because there is a lot of hatred and resentment pent up in my heart. My life lines can change though, if I am able to find a source of zen.
From my name, he analyzed that I had a good heart, but my kindness is often taken for granted. Also, I am very extreme, whereby sometimes I can be extremely quiet and reserved, while other times I can be extremely loud and active.
All these sound too much like my life. This guy didn't even know me personally!
He then told me that for some people who are more unfortunate than others, it could well be because of their names. He told me that when he was a teenager, he changed the strokes of his name, and luck has always been on his side till now.
At that moment, I seriously did consider changing my name as well, for there are far too many times I have felt too unhappy in my life. But on second thought, the happy moments I've had are countless too. True I've had a great many rough patches to overcome, but most times, either I've had true friends and loved ones who stood by me. or I learnt something important from the occasion that could benefit me for life.
Just like how my parents gave me my looks and whatever I have today, they gave me my name too. There has to be a reason why they gave me this name and why I am standing in these feet. Perhaps it's for me to tell my own story, the story of 刘慧娴。
Friday, May 7, 2010
Overrun with debt
Got lotsa bills to pay, money owed to many, and brand new responsibilities. And that man owes my family money. Somehow I can't bring myself to call him father after him calling me a prostitute.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Father Above
I think I got such a horrid stepmom to show me how awesome my own mum is underneath her eccentricities. God guides us with a harsh but loving hand.
No more
Facebook is evil. I'm only gonna log on twice a week from now.
I almost feel like eating all the Panadol in the house, Just like how I almost felt like eating all the psychiatric meds I had in one go during the peak of my mental disorder. I just want my headaches to go away.
Why can't I control myself? Good question. I can't answer that either.
I think that parents fuck up their own lives and child raising plans and somehow it's the child's fault.
I feel especially sad that a person who told me that I can't control myself is not someone close to me. I also wish this woman were my stepmother, instead of that cold hearted bitch.
I've tried to be supportive of my dad in the things he does the best way I can, but I guess maybe it's not enough? I've tried all my life to get attention and approval from my dad. I listened to Barry Manilow and tried to impress him. He was the first person not in my music course that I showed my first song to. All these times I only received criticism. I guess it all boils down to nothing I guess,
But even so, I'm not a prostitute, nor a talentless reject as much as you'd like to believe. I also don't need a motherfucking bitch telling one of my parents to 'give up on me' for the second time in my life.
I'm not that bad a person right? What did I do?
I almost feel like eating all the Panadol in the house, Just like how I almost felt like eating all the psychiatric meds I had in one go during the peak of my mental disorder. I just want my headaches to go away.
Why can't I control myself? Good question. I can't answer that either.
I think that parents fuck up their own lives and child raising plans and somehow it's the child's fault.
I feel especially sad that a person who told me that I can't control myself is not someone close to me. I also wish this woman were my stepmother, instead of that cold hearted bitch.
I've tried to be supportive of my dad in the things he does the best way I can, but I guess maybe it's not enough? I've tried all my life to get attention and approval from my dad. I listened to Barry Manilow and tried to impress him. He was the first person not in my music course that I showed my first song to. All these times I only received criticism. I guess it all boils down to nothing I guess,
But even so, I'm not a prostitute, nor a talentless reject as much as you'd like to believe. I also don't need a motherfucking bitch telling one of my parents to 'give up on me' for the second time in my life.
I'm not that bad a person right? What did I do?
How?
How could you call your own daughter a prostitute? I have difficulty wrapping my head around that.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I make the final cut
So just what is real and just what is fake ?
Well in life you never get to do a second take.
Hypochondriac
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1271449/How-day-beach-killing-27-years-This-doctor-months-live-skin-cancer-triggered-childhood-sunburn.html
This is totally resurrecting my hypochondriasis, which had been quite a good girl lately. But I guess she's waking up now.
This is totally resurrecting my hypochondriasis, which had been quite a good girl lately. But I guess she's waking up now.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Separating
is too much stress for me. Too much hassle. Sigh might as well don't break up, and just resign myself to a life I don't want. Save myself all the thinking and depressed feelings and other bullshit. I feel like I don't want to be in a serious relationship ever again.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Wrong side of bed or wrong side of life?
It feels generally good to be courted again. I feel like there's more space for me to breath. Perhaps everything needs a little courage here and there.. Courage to dream, courage to fight, courage to live.
Liberating feelings aside, I still can't help but wake up feeling slightly "off" today, like something's missing? Or like I ate some wrong medicine for my brain. Speaking of which, I really need to go back to IMH soon and not skip anymore appointments.
Now that I'm back in Yishun, my MOTHER is driving me CRAZY and I swear I'll get a bad relapse if I DON'T go back to IMH. I bet Dr. Jan hates me now. :(
I wonder if the doctors and nurses show that they're unhappy with their patients.
Liberating feelings aside, I still can't help but wake up feeling slightly "off" today, like something's missing? Or like I ate some wrong medicine for my brain. Speaking of which, I really need to go back to IMH soon and not skip anymore appointments.
Now that I'm back in Yishun, my MOTHER is driving me CRAZY and I swear I'll get a bad relapse if I DON'T go back to IMH. I bet Dr. Jan hates me now. :(
I wonder if the doctors and nurses show that they're unhappy with their patients.
Dream
Even though my Dad and I have countless disagreements and conflicting ideas about life, he is still an inspiration to me. 50 and still chasing his dreams, improving his skills as a dancer.
When I'm 50, I would wanna still be writing my own music, singing on stage, and inspiring other people.
Is this a sign?
Matt posted his facebook status, "Perhaps it's time to let go." And shortly after, Jia Ling posted, "Letting go is growing up."
Is this a sign?
But I can't deny that I miss you. And I don't want to let go of you just yet. And if we actually pull through this ordeal, then perhaps we will become an even stronger couple.
But if we don't, I'll always love you and take care of you, even if I'm not taking care of you as a partner and a lover.
Is this a sign?
But I can't deny that I miss you. And I don't want to let go of you just yet. And if we actually pull through this ordeal, then perhaps we will become an even stronger couple.
But if we don't, I'll always love you and take care of you, even if I'm not taking care of you as a partner and a lover.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Amoeba
I found an answer from Juan's answer. I'm too confused to be with anyone. Well, what would Carrie Bradshaw do in my situation?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I think perhaps I'll keep it to myself, for who needs to know the petty miseries of a self-indulgent young bitch? If any should ask, maybe I'll come up with stories and tales to keep them entertained. After all that seems almost like the primary goal of human beings, to be kept entertained, and also to indulge in themselves.
This is quite extraordinary
I feel like shit. Totally and utterly and completely like shit.
I feel so torn apart, inside out, from left to right. Is this what love is? Or the lack of love?
I still love him so much. But I don't know how long more I can stay stuck in this situation, this seemingly endless and arduous journey. I want to end the freaking tedious journey. But yet at the same time, I don't want to.
Fuck this shit man. I'm so fucked up, I actually feel better every time I use that phrase.
But seriously, fuck this shit. If things are meant to be, if the stars destine us to return to each other, they will give me signs. Things will unfold the way they are supposed to unfold. I believe...
I feel so torn apart, inside out, from left to right. Is this what love is? Or the lack of love?
I still love him so much. But I don't know how long more I can stay stuck in this situation, this seemingly endless and arduous journey. I want to end the freaking tedious journey. But yet at the same time, I don't want to.
Fuck this shit man. I'm so fucked up, I actually feel better every time I use that phrase.
But seriously, fuck this shit. If things are meant to be, if the stars destine us to return to each other, they will give me signs. Things will unfold the way they are supposed to unfold. I believe...
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
fading... away
He's giving his life to the system before my very own eyes, and the worse thing is, he doesn't even know it. What should I do?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Revelations
Indus Gendi now has new members on board, with Lenny leaving for Australia, and James and Mel leaving the band for their own personal reasons. On bass is Juan, on guitar is Amran, and on keyboards is Melodie. The sound is so much more different now simply because 3 of the instrumentalists are different, with different characters and different influences. This bit of change really fascinates me because it is just like creating a new creature!
Just like how if you mix Hydrogen with Oxygen, you will get one thing, and if you mix Carbon with Oxygen, you will get another thing. It’s the same here! Playing with Lenny, James, and Mel created a certain sound, but playing with Juan, Amran, and Melodie is creating an entirely different sound! And with the new dynamics and feel, naturally we, the old members, will go along with the flow and play in a way that would fit everyone else’s style.
This really makes me excited. Perhaps as a musician, things like that really hype me up. I feel excited just thinking of the new possibilities for the band and the unexpected paths we might get to go on. I feel inspired to write new material and better myself so that I can match up to everyone else. I feel motivated to look for more and more gigs as our band evolves and grows. But one thing I really wish for the band is for Lenny to return real soon.
On a side note, I swear I have the cutest tuition student in the world. She just messaged me, telling me that she got selected to represent her school in the national spelling bee contest. I asked her when it is going to be, and she replied, “Saturday. I gotta wake up early. Tartarsauce!” Gosh the cuteness!! Which 10 year old would curse about waking up early by exclaiming “Tartarsauce”???? I do not deny that I completely favour her over all my other students.
It’s not only because she is so cute, which causes me to favour her. She is also very intelligent, pays attention during the lesson, and interacts and befriends me. She asks me questions when she stumbles upon questions which are more difficult, and does not pretend to understand what I’m saying if she doesn’t. She is almost a tutor’s dream come true.
Suddenly I feel that certain lecturers and instructors can’t really be blamed for favouring one student over another. We often bitch about such teachers who show obvious favouritism and how we are probably graded unfairly. But are they the only ones at fault? It’s after all only human tendency for one to favour something/someone which appeals to them, be it due to a good appearance, or a positive disposition. So can we really blame teachers who dislike us if we choose to be difficult and unlovable students? No, not entirely.
I’m sure there are a couple of ace teachers out there who are able to overlook every student’s imperfections and judge everyone fairly, but I guess those kind of teachers are like needles in haystacks, a miracles bestowed upon lucky students who get them.
Just like how if you mix Hydrogen with Oxygen, you will get one thing, and if you mix Carbon with Oxygen, you will get another thing. It’s the same here! Playing with Lenny, James, and Mel created a certain sound, but playing with Juan, Amran, and Melodie is creating an entirely different sound! And with the new dynamics and feel, naturally we, the old members, will go along with the flow and play in a way that would fit everyone else’s style.
This really makes me excited. Perhaps as a musician, things like that really hype me up. I feel excited just thinking of the new possibilities for the band and the unexpected paths we might get to go on. I feel inspired to write new material and better myself so that I can match up to everyone else. I feel motivated to look for more and more gigs as our band evolves and grows. But one thing I really wish for the band is for Lenny to return real soon.
On a side note, I swear I have the cutest tuition student in the world. She just messaged me, telling me that she got selected to represent her school in the national spelling bee contest. I asked her when it is going to be, and she replied, “Saturday. I gotta wake up early. Tartarsauce!” Gosh the cuteness!! Which 10 year old would curse about waking up early by exclaiming “Tartarsauce”???? I do not deny that I completely favour her over all my other students.
It’s not only because she is so cute, which causes me to favour her. She is also very intelligent, pays attention during the lesson, and interacts and befriends me. She asks me questions when she stumbles upon questions which are more difficult, and does not pretend to understand what I’m saying if she doesn’t. She is almost a tutor’s dream come true.
Suddenly I feel that certain lecturers and instructors can’t really be blamed for favouring one student over another. We often bitch about such teachers who show obvious favouritism and how we are probably graded unfairly. But are they the only ones at fault? It’s after all only human tendency for one to favour something/someone which appeals to them, be it due to a good appearance, or a positive disposition. So can we really blame teachers who dislike us if we choose to be difficult and unlovable students? No, not entirely.
I’m sure there are a couple of ace teachers out there who are able to overlook every student’s imperfections and judge everyone fairly, but I guess those kind of teachers are like needles in haystacks, a miracles bestowed upon lucky students who get them.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Doodlejump
Recently, I have been very obsessed with an Iphone game called Doodlejump. It is by far one of the most addictive handphone games I have ever played in my life. Basically, it is all about a Doodle creature which hops from platform to platform and avoids obstacles which might cause its dear little life to terminate. Missing a platform means it dies too. So the higher it goes, the higher your high score is!
I have been hard at work trying to beat my good friend Felicia's high score of 27640, and I must say I just succeeded in doing so, at the grand high score of 28221!!!! Once upon a time, I never imagined that I could even reach a mere 20000, and was grateful to just go above 10000. But while my scores gradually increased as I improved in the game, I could not help but feel discontented with what I had and felt a strong need to top myself.
The bottomline is, is this my attitude towards other things in life too? If not, should it be?
I am not exactly doing superbly well in school, scraping by with Bs and a miraculous A- here and there. Sometimes I wish I had the motivation to study harder and get better grades just like how I play Doodlejump so hard. My parents are paying so much for my education, yet I am such a weakling, unable to even get out of bed in the morning to attend class.
One thing for sure is that I want to apply this Doodlejump attitude towards music. Currently, I am not. I am awfully lazy. I am lazy to practise my pathetic keyboard skills, lazy to practise my mediocre singing, and yet I want to sing in a band. I know that my greatest love in life is music. Then why am I wasting my skills and talents away by indulging in the horrendous sin of sloth?? Typing this down disgusts myself as I am exposing myself to myself.
Just like most other people, I live from day to day, unaware of the core of me, the core of my potential, and the core of my behaviour. I act like Doodlejump is the most important thing in the world when it is not. I neglect the things that are of utmost importance to me, such as my music, my studies, and my family. What is wrong with you Esther Low?? Get your life back together!
I need to get my life back together before it is not even there.
I have been hard at work trying to beat my good friend Felicia's high score of 27640, and I must say I just succeeded in doing so, at the grand high score of 28221!!!! Once upon a time, I never imagined that I could even reach a mere 20000, and was grateful to just go above 10000. But while my scores gradually increased as I improved in the game, I could not help but feel discontented with what I had and felt a strong need to top myself.
The bottomline is, is this my attitude towards other things in life too? If not, should it be?
I am not exactly doing superbly well in school, scraping by with Bs and a miraculous A- here and there. Sometimes I wish I had the motivation to study harder and get better grades just like how I play Doodlejump so hard. My parents are paying so much for my education, yet I am such a weakling, unable to even get out of bed in the morning to attend class.
One thing for sure is that I want to apply this Doodlejump attitude towards music. Currently, I am not. I am awfully lazy. I am lazy to practise my pathetic keyboard skills, lazy to practise my mediocre singing, and yet I want to sing in a band. I know that my greatest love in life is music. Then why am I wasting my skills and talents away by indulging in the horrendous sin of sloth?? Typing this down disgusts myself as I am exposing myself to myself.
Just like most other people, I live from day to day, unaware of the core of me, the core of my potential, and the core of my behaviour. I act like Doodlejump is the most important thing in the world when it is not. I neglect the things that are of utmost importance to me, such as my music, my studies, and my family. What is wrong with you Esther Low?? Get your life back together!
I need to get my life back together before it is not even there.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Valentine's Day
Amran brought me to Mimolette for lunch. And that area was simply romantic. It did not feel one bit like Singapore. I loved that place and instantly I thought it would be a fantastic place to take band photos.
I had salmon with tomato salsa and I must say the salmon was extremely well done, with the skin slightly crispy, and the flesh soft and flavourful. The sauteed mushrooms were only so-so though, for I felt I could do a better job than that! I had a glass of white wine which might not necessarily have been the best of decisions. The doctor said "Avoid alcohol" and perhaps he was right. My heart palpitates way too easily.
And then we went on to take pretty pictures for the scenery was just too pretty to not take pictures.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Lessons Learnt, Better Than Money Earned
Indus Gendi just had our first ever performance at Esplanade On the Waterfront and boy, was it a refreshing experience for me! It was my first time performing without the keyboard in front of me, meaning that I had nothing to hide behind. I was fully exposed to everyone! And yes, I have stage fright. So even though my performance may not have been the most engaging or the most entertaining, I felt proud of myself inside, that I managed to survive the performance without freaking out too much, or losing my voice, or just standing there looking like a wooden fool.
At the end of it all, I felt very accomplished. Despite my anxiety problems and general lack of confidence, I felt proud that I did not let the band down too much. To other frontmen or frontwomen, performing like this may be no big deal. But to me, that single performance was a great leap for me. A great leap forward.
Right now we are in the midst of recording our debut LP, I’ll Be Good If You Say Yes, and are going to launch it in Mid March. Somehow I feel that doing this project together as a band has brought us closer together in different ways. Though there may be little conflicts here and there, but it is a precious feeling to be able to work with each other and produce our very own baby. For some of us, it is our first time having the privilege of releasing an LP too! (Including me! :D)
Meanwhile, my anxiety problems are getting better too, with the help of the medicine and therapy. Everything is slowly getting back to normal. Though the whole ordeal is quite a nightmare, it’s probably a blessing in disguise. I’ve come to understand that things we take for granted everyday, like our sanity and our good health, are the most important things in the world that prevent our lives from crumbling to pieces. I’ve learnt to be very thankful for the unobvious but extremely significant things that make living possible, such as true friends, love, and personal strength.
I am thankful that every morning I wake up to see the sunlight streaming in between the crack of the curtains, and Amran sleeping next to me. I feel thankful that I have Amran, someone who loves me so deeply and unconditionally. I no longer desire for anything more, but a simple and contented life with him. Everything else that comes along are bonuses for hard work put in. To me, such contentedness is the ultimate form of wealth.
Okay I should totally be studying for Statistics test right now with Cindy and Fel but I just can’t concentrate. But I’m going to have to be real disciplined and go back to work now. Bye!
At the end of it all, I felt very accomplished. Despite my anxiety problems and general lack of confidence, I felt proud that I did not let the band down too much. To other frontmen or frontwomen, performing like this may be no big deal. But to me, that single performance was a great leap for me. A great leap forward.
Right now we are in the midst of recording our debut LP, I’ll Be Good If You Say Yes, and are going to launch it in Mid March. Somehow I feel that doing this project together as a band has brought us closer together in different ways. Though there may be little conflicts here and there, but it is a precious feeling to be able to work with each other and produce our very own baby. For some of us, it is our first time having the privilege of releasing an LP too! (Including me! :D)
Meanwhile, my anxiety problems are getting better too, with the help of the medicine and therapy. Everything is slowly getting back to normal. Though the whole ordeal is quite a nightmare, it’s probably a blessing in disguise. I’ve come to understand that things we take for granted everyday, like our sanity and our good health, are the most important things in the world that prevent our lives from crumbling to pieces. I’ve learnt to be very thankful for the unobvious but extremely significant things that make living possible, such as true friends, love, and personal strength.
I am thankful that every morning I wake up to see the sunlight streaming in between the crack of the curtains, and Amran sleeping next to me. I feel thankful that I have Amran, someone who loves me so deeply and unconditionally. I no longer desire for anything more, but a simple and contented life with him. Everything else that comes along are bonuses for hard work put in. To me, such contentedness is the ultimate form of wealth.
Okay I should totally be studying for Statistics test right now with Cindy and Fel but I just can’t concentrate. But I’m going to have to be real disciplined and go back to work now. Bye!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Fuck Off
Fuck off everyone. Yes I'm loopy and crazy and fucked up. But I don't need people who don't know jack shit to come and make me feel worse. Just fuck off.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Band? Band of what?
Do you guys even want this as much as I do? If not, why am I trying so hard? Here I am putting in effort to plan and co-ordinate with everyone so that things can work out and some can tell me, "it's okay. Leave us out of the band photo. Sorry we can't make it cuz of short notice." What, so this is now a feel-like or don't-feel-like thing? I'm willing to sacrifice my time or effort to do whatever to make things work for the whole BAND and this is the kinda response I get?
And just when I think I've got everything planned and to suit everyone's fancies, somebody calls me at the last minute to say, "Oops sorry, perhaps I can't make it after all." At the end of the day, not a word of thanks from anyone either.
Nobody else takes the initiative to plan jamming, or band meetings. Am I the only one who's taking this seriously? Or does everyone else think it's just a for fun thing to sing songs and have fun on stage? Fuck this shit.
And just when I think I've got everything planned and to suit everyone's fancies, somebody calls me at the last minute to say, "Oops sorry, perhaps I can't make it after all." At the end of the day, not a word of thanks from anyone either.
Nobody else takes the initiative to plan jamming, or band meetings. Am I the only one who's taking this seriously? Or does everyone else think it's just a for fun thing to sing songs and have fun on stage? Fuck this shit.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Fighting It
Amran and I recently went to Phuket and by right we should still be in Phuket right now at this very moment. But my panic attacks overwhelmed me and we had to cut short our trip and return to Singapore earlier. Lots of money was wasted, as Amran still had to pay 100% of hotel charges for the remaining 4 nights. We also had to pay an extra $300 to change the dates of our flights. My anxiety disorder got the better of me during the trip I have to admit. I suppose it was too many things combined, what with me going on a new medication for the mind and being in a strange foreign land at the same time. Too stressful.
We did have some fun during the 3 days we spent there though. Or at least during the day when I wasn't as panicky as in the night.
While waiting to board the plane, we camwhored.
The hotel we stayed in was super awesome and well-stocked. They had every imaginable thing, chips, drinks, and as you can see here, even condoms, menstruation pads, talcum powder, and check this out, KY Lubricant for anal sex! No we did not use it. :)
Not only was the room super well-stocked, it wasn't just a room too! It was linked to our very own living room with a sofa, HD TV, DVD Player and a balcony! All for under $150/night. How awesome is that??
Amran takes a smoke in the balcony. As you can see, I am not standing there with him and is inside the living room behind the shut doors taking this photo as I DO NOT SMOKE ANYMORE!
Our comfy cosy bed. Guess what I was doing with the map? Circling all the available hospitals in Phuket. (By the way during our 3 day stay in Phuket, I rushed to two hospitals there, once on our second night, and once on our way to the airport on the last day, all thanks to my stupid panic attacks and overwhelming paranoia.)
Our room number on a cute elephant wooden board!
This is the view from this side of the room. Too serene! This calming view from different sides of the hotel really did help calm my nerves and panic attacks a great deal.
The simple and unassuming grocery store opposite our hotel.
Where we stayed, Hilltop Hotel. It's an absolutely absolutely awesome hotel with great service and a great view to boot. You know where to stay should you visit Patong! :D Only inconvenience is that it really is on a hilltop and getting around could be quite a bitch for some. But choose this hotel for its serenity!
This is the beginning of our long walk down the hill to get to town.
On and on we go!
Swarm of gnats at the bottom of the hill.
The beginning of our journey up the hill. It really does look like an entrance to some mysterious enchanted forest doesn't it! :D
Amran takes a nice candid picture of me taking in the Thailand air. Not like it's the freshest air around. So I don't quite remember what I was actually doing. Haha.
One of the many roadside stalls. No we didn't try any food from these stalls. We already got tummy aches eating at restaurants and cafes! Don't think our stomaches are strong enough for food from these stalls.
There are such shops everywhere in Phuket that sell such trashy clothes and lingerie. Sex is truly big there. (To Lim Jia Yi: I bought something for you from one of these shops! Hehehe..)
I love the guitar and the signboard of this pub! So damn cute!
Love the name of this salon too! Thais really have a knack for giving their businesses real simple and straightforward names. :D So simple and unassuming! <3
I was immensely cheered when I saw that we stayed relatively near to this building. Yes this is the first hospital I visited, immediately after a manicure which should have gone well. Nuff said.
Motorcycling is the most common way of travelling in Thailand as they're cheap and efficient enough.
My first meal in Phuket and of course it's Tom Yam soup. Unfortunately I've had even better soup in Singapore. The soup was very much toned down in terms of spiciness and flavour in order to suit the huge influx of ang moh tourists there. This was at their largest shopping centre, Jungceylon, and everything was really westernized. But we got to savour some authentic Thai food at other small restaurants.
This huge alien figurine is made entirely of old motorcycle parts, twisted and hammered with love into this work of art.
There is also a giant Predator, positioned in such a way that it looks like it's fighting the alien.
There are many of such tattoo parlours lying in every nook and cranny of Phuket and they mostly look this makeshift. Would you do a tattoo at one of these shops?
I found it hilarious that they had to include that disclaimer, "No Sex"! Boo hoo!
There's really no point for these "zebra crossings". Really no point at all. We crossed at our own risk. :D
Savouring the best pineapple rice I've ever eaten at one of the smaller restaurants I was talking about. Yum!!
This is my first time sitting in a tuk tuk. It was alright.
For the second and the third day, I wasn't really in the mood for taking pictures. Quite a waste actually, but it definitely won't be my last visit to Phuket.
We did have some fun during the 3 days we spent there though. Or at least during the day when I wasn't as panicky as in the night.
While waiting to board the plane, we camwhored.
The hotel we stayed in was super awesome and well-stocked. They had every imaginable thing, chips, drinks, and as you can see here, even condoms, menstruation pads, talcum powder, and check this out, KY Lubricant for anal sex! No we did not use it. :)
Not only was the room super well-stocked, it wasn't just a room too! It was linked to our very own living room with a sofa, HD TV, DVD Player and a balcony! All for under $150/night. How awesome is that??
Amran takes a smoke in the balcony. As you can see, I am not standing there with him and is inside the living room behind the shut doors taking this photo as I DO NOT SMOKE ANYMORE!
Our comfy cosy bed. Guess what I was doing with the map? Circling all the available hospitals in Phuket. (By the way during our 3 day stay in Phuket, I rushed to two hospitals there, once on our second night, and once on our way to the airport on the last day, all thanks to my stupid panic attacks and overwhelming paranoia.)
Our room number on a cute elephant wooden board!
This is the view from this side of the room. Too serene! This calming view from different sides of the hotel really did help calm my nerves and panic attacks a great deal.
The simple and unassuming grocery store opposite our hotel.
Where we stayed, Hilltop Hotel. It's an absolutely absolutely awesome hotel with great service and a great view to boot. You know where to stay should you visit Patong! :D Only inconvenience is that it really is on a hilltop and getting around could be quite a bitch for some. But choose this hotel for its serenity!
This is the beginning of our long walk down the hill to get to town.
On and on we go!
Swarm of gnats at the bottom of the hill.
The beginning of our journey up the hill. It really does look like an entrance to some mysterious enchanted forest doesn't it! :D
Amran takes a nice candid picture of me taking in the Thailand air. Not like it's the freshest air around. So I don't quite remember what I was actually doing. Haha.
One of the many roadside stalls. No we didn't try any food from these stalls. We already got tummy aches eating at restaurants and cafes! Don't think our stomaches are strong enough for food from these stalls.
There are such shops everywhere in Phuket that sell such trashy clothes and lingerie. Sex is truly big there. (To Lim Jia Yi: I bought something for you from one of these shops! Hehehe..)
I love the guitar and the signboard of this pub! So damn cute!
Love the name of this salon too! Thais really have a knack for giving their businesses real simple and straightforward names. :D So simple and unassuming! <3
I was immensely cheered when I saw that we stayed relatively near to this building. Yes this is the first hospital I visited, immediately after a manicure which should have gone well. Nuff said.
Motorcycling is the most common way of travelling in Thailand as they're cheap and efficient enough.
My first meal in Phuket and of course it's Tom Yam soup. Unfortunately I've had even better soup in Singapore. The soup was very much toned down in terms of spiciness and flavour in order to suit the huge influx of ang moh tourists there. This was at their largest shopping centre, Jungceylon, and everything was really westernized. But we got to savour some authentic Thai food at other small restaurants.
This huge alien figurine is made entirely of old motorcycle parts, twisted and hammered with love into this work of art.
There is also a giant Predator, positioned in such a way that it looks like it's fighting the alien.
There are many of such tattoo parlours lying in every nook and cranny of Phuket and they mostly look this makeshift. Would you do a tattoo at one of these shops?
I found it hilarious that they had to include that disclaimer, "No Sex"! Boo hoo!
There's really no point for these "zebra crossings". Really no point at all. We crossed at our own risk. :D
Savouring the best pineapple rice I've ever eaten at one of the smaller restaurants I was talking about. Yum!!
This is my first time sitting in a tuk tuk. It was alright.
For the second and the third day, I wasn't really in the mood for taking pictures. Quite a waste actually, but it definitely won't be my last visit to Phuket.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2009 2010
It’s the first day of 2010 and I’ve already experienced something major in my life. I was just diagnosed with hypochondriasis or anxiety disorder. After a panic attack this afternoon which left me crying for 4 hours straight, I took my good friend, Adam’s, advice and went to IMH in a cab with my mum. Like what Adam said, IMH was a really calm and serene place, which did help to calm me down. The psychiatrist said that it was serotonin imbalance (just like what Adam predicted), and I need to take two kinds of medicine. The first one helps to regulate my serotonin levels. I have to take that every night. And the second one supposedly helps to calm myself down when I am having a panic attack. I really hope the medicine works. Then it would mean that I am not suffering from anything more severe, such as a clot in the heart. That would also mean that I can soon see the end of my misery. (Hopefully.)
I am in pretty good spirits now though, for the first time in what feels like forever. In times like this, I can really tell who the people who really care for me are. And I am so lucky that there are so many of such people who care so much for me. Today, when Jueling found out that I was going to IMH because of a panic attack, she came all the way down even though she actually had another appointment. And she accompanied me all the way till the end. There’s also Adam who was always there to assure me that everything would be alright, and advised me on what to do. Even though my mum can be rather harsh with her words, she showed her care by accompanying me throughout and paying for my medical bills without hesitation. Needless to say, Amran was there too.
Apart from all these wonderful people, there are other people who listened to my problems and helped to assure me during my paranoid moments also, such as Fel, Cindy, and Xiang. I know I can always count on them. Mel as well, who often smsed me to encourage me. As irritating as my brother can be, I know that he cares greatly for me too. He knew I was having bad dreams and bought a dream catcher for me. Not that I actually believed in things like that most times, but his thoughtfulness really touched me. I am truly so damn lucky and blessed to have all these people right by my side, always supporting me, always giving me strength.
If there was one thing I have to thank God for giving me in 2009, apart from surviving, it is this, having people that love me. It is truly the greatest thing one can ever have, to love and be loved in return. It is because of such unconditional love from these people that I can pull through all these rough spots in life. On my part, I hope that I can help them in every way I can when they are having their own problems and I know that I will.
I am happy to have survived 2009 and I hope to be able to pull through 2010. Meanwhile, I have some new resolutions which I hope to upkeep and not to forget. Quit most of my bad habits such as biting my fingers, and smoking (already quit actually), eat more fruits and drink more water, maintain a proper beauty, health, and exercise regime, not take Amran for granted so much because he is one of the best things to happen to me, and be as positive as I can. 2009 has taught me countless lessons and I know 2010 will as well, perhaps gentler or perhaps more painful. But what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and I must stay alive.
I am in pretty good spirits now though, for the first time in what feels like forever. In times like this, I can really tell who the people who really care for me are. And I am so lucky that there are so many of such people who care so much for me. Today, when Jueling found out that I was going to IMH because of a panic attack, she came all the way down even though she actually had another appointment. And she accompanied me all the way till the end. There’s also Adam who was always there to assure me that everything would be alright, and advised me on what to do. Even though my mum can be rather harsh with her words, she showed her care by accompanying me throughout and paying for my medical bills without hesitation. Needless to say, Amran was there too.
Apart from all these wonderful people, there are other people who listened to my problems and helped to assure me during my paranoid moments also, such as Fel, Cindy, and Xiang. I know I can always count on them. Mel as well, who often smsed me to encourage me. As irritating as my brother can be, I know that he cares greatly for me too. He knew I was having bad dreams and bought a dream catcher for me. Not that I actually believed in things like that most times, but his thoughtfulness really touched me. I am truly so damn lucky and blessed to have all these people right by my side, always supporting me, always giving me strength.
If there was one thing I have to thank God for giving me in 2009, apart from surviving, it is this, having people that love me. It is truly the greatest thing one can ever have, to love and be loved in return. It is because of such unconditional love from these people that I can pull through all these rough spots in life. On my part, I hope that I can help them in every way I can when they are having their own problems and I know that I will.
I am happy to have survived 2009 and I hope to be able to pull through 2010. Meanwhile, I have some new resolutions which I hope to upkeep and not to forget. Quit most of my bad habits such as biting my fingers, and smoking (already quit actually), eat more fruits and drink more water, maintain a proper beauty, health, and exercise regime, not take Amran for granted so much because he is one of the best things to happen to me, and be as positive as I can. 2009 has taught me countless lessons and I know 2010 will as well, perhaps gentler or perhaps more painful. But what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and I must stay alive.
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