Ourmas

The boyfriend took a day off today and we decided to go to the Science Centre since we had free passes from the good people at STB. 28th December is our own little festive day called Ourmas, and it is our first time celebrating it.



I'm wearing the dress he bought me for Christmas. He is also wearing green to match me! Cheesy but very sweet. I like. :D



This is the Christmas present I bought for myself. It totally matches my new green dress so perfectly! And at the time of purchase, I had no idea that AK was gonna get me a green dress for a present! It's fate I say!



I'm not the camwhoring kinda person but I thought it was fun to camwhore in the car with the windows down and my hair being blown in all directions. Plus we were wearing matchy matchy! :D



Hehe. I couldn't help it! But I think I look quite nice in a sullen "i-hate-the-world" way in this picture! :D



Blasting Foo Fighters with the windows wound down on the Expressway. What more can one ask for????



Even Mr. Guevara wants to be matchy matchy with us! :D



My baby looking at exhibits like a little kid. So cute! Manchild.



This is unforgivably cheesy. But once again I couldn't help it. The balls are actually part of some lame exhibit. Actually most of the Science Centre exhibits were pretty lame.



One of those 2in1 pictures that is another picture when turned upside down or is looked at from another angle. Pretty cool. I like the picture of this bird eating the human better. The other side was of a man in a boat on choppy seas. I am oh so morbid.



Quite a theatrical looking picture. I am trying to pretend that I'm hurrying Einstein down the rope. Yes this is the Einstein climbing down rope exhibit that has been there since your mum was born!!



He is looking at you. He is watching you. He knows your every secret. He knows you. He knows everything you try to hide. He talks to you at night. You can't run away from him, don't even try.



This exhibit is titled "Paranoia" and is one of my favourite exhibits. It is basically made up of many glowing faces whose eyes appear to follow you wherever you walk. Quite creepy, but makes a very nice design piece.



Although a lot of the exhibits were pretty lame, some of them were actually quite cool to take photos with/at. Honestly, many of them make very fab art pieces.



This is one of my favourite pictures. Simply because it's so PINK and cute!!!! :D And strangely enough, this is the "Household Pests" section. How in the world does such an awesome background match with eeky cockroaches and rats??



It just gets pinker. :D



This is an eco-system tank that has been sealed since 1993. Full of slimy little brine shrimps and snails. Eeks.



I seriously love this picture which AK took of me. Looks more like a painting than a photo. And my head is disjointed from my bod. Everything just looks so cool.



Damn cute exhibit about global warming. I know I should be focusing on the larger matter at hand and the whole point of the exhibit. But I can't help being focused on the artistry instead. :X



Pig, one of Amran's most hated animals. It's part of the same exhibit as the yellow man and it just gets better. :D



Told ya! :D



Don't you sometimes wonder about the unknown things that lie beyond our reach? We see them on pictures and TV and we know they exist. Yet at the same time we don't ever get to know the truths that lie in the galaxies far far away. Life holds too many mysteries for simple human brains like ours.



I'm in love with the lifts at Science Centre. Next time when I own a 5 storey mansion, I am gonna install lifts like that in my house! :D



Walking down a technicolour road, back to the car, back home.

Ask Me And I'd Say Yes

I am truly blessed to have a man who loves me so deeply. Not only does he make me laugh and spend enjoyable time with me, he supports me in everything that I do and is there for me for both trial and celebration. I am truly very blessed and I absolutely cannot imagine myself being with any other person. I don’t ever want to stop loving him and I fear the day that he might leave me. Being a very paranoid person myself, I often imagine the thousands of different ways he can leave me, such as running off with a hotter model-ish woman, simply not wanting to be with me anymore because I am too childish, or even dying on me.

Him dying on me is probably one of my greatest fears in life. Every time he doesn’t answer my calls for a long time, waves of paranoia and fear often hit me. I would start imagining that he got into a car accident, or died of a cardiac arrest in his sleep. Just these thoughts alone would make me tear a little bit. I seriously will not be able to take the trauma and the pain. I imagine that it would be like as if a part of my body is being torn off ruthlessly, with no painkillers, no cutting tools, just torn off by some great machine. The great machine of life and death perhaps.

Sometimes I cannot help but wonder why such an awesome guy like he would love a stupid little girl like me. He is so grown up, financially stable, and amazingly talented, while I’m still bumming around, going to school, and throwing childish tantrums. Yet he takes it all! He takes all my spats and temperaments, he always tries to appease me when I become unreasonably upset with him, he always does his best to make me happy. If I am sad or frightened, he will do everything to make things alright for me. Even when he has work early the next morning, and I am having one of my stupid panic attacks in the middle of the night, he will wake up, hold my hand, and stay up with me until I’m okay.

I can never find another man like this. I know it in my heart. I know that he is the one for me.

Beginnings

I’ve decided to start this blog to deal with some issues that I find are not necessarily resolved just by confiding in close friends and loved ones. I have come to realize, if not a little too late, that the closeness of a person to you does not guarantee that he or she would definitely understand, or try his or her best to understand where you are coming from. How could we possibly expect them to anyway? It’s almost impossible to fathom one’s thoughts always, much less the thoughts of a girl who suspects that she might have some form of psychosis.

Apart from writing in this blog, I have also decided to see an actual psychologist at the Institute of Mental Health, also fondly known as IMH. At times like these, I really feel grateful to the government for taking care of us in little ways like these. Initially, I was browsing through the sites of private psychologists, and pretty much all of them charge a whopping $150 to $200 for each consultation which lasts only for 30 min to an hour. It is really quite ridiculous. Just because you are a mind “specialist” who tries to understand how one’s mind works gives you the right to think you are some big fuck? $200 an hour!! No fuck off seriously.

And then I went to IMH’s site and saw with great relief that consultation was a mere $23 after subsidy from the government. That was when I felt that immense gratitude. I felt grateful that if I had a flu and went to a doctor at a nearby Polyclinic, consultation plus medicine never even went up to $15. I felt grateful that I could have my womanly check-up (including ultrasound scan and everything) for only about $100+, while “specialists” elsewhere charged $112 just for the ultrasound scan. I felt grateful that these benefits applied to me just because I was Singaporean.

But then the extremely high costs of cigarettes here kinda cancel off some points.

So yes, I cannot wait for my first visit to a professional to find out what’s wrong with my mind, why I can’t stop fantasizing about going on killing sprees and committing suicide, and why I think I belong to another realm once night falls. Believe me, it gets very scary sometimes. Everyone else just thinks I’m joking, or thinking too much. But they don’t know. They don’t know the fear I live with all the time. Sometimes I don’t even know what I am afraid of. They don’t know the intense hatred I have of the world sometimes. They don’t know, though they think they know.

Nobody knows the intensity of the nightmares I have, the deafening chorus of voices I sometimes hear rising in crescendos. Nor do they know of how I often feel like someone is watching me, invisible eyes penetrating into my back. They also do not know of how my vivid imagination can overwhelm me and bring my mind out of control, in turn giving me panic attacks. Sometimes I wish I could talk to people I trust about things like these. But as caring and understanding anyone can be, it is only natural for people to get tired of listening to somebody else’s problems over and over again, for they have their own shit to deal with. It’s unnecessary for me to bring such burden upon the shoulders of another. Therefore what better solution is there than to pay someone to listen to me? Before I go completely out of control.