2009 2010

It’s the first day of 2010 and I’ve already experienced something major in my life. I was just diagnosed with hypochondriasis or anxiety disorder. After a panic attack this afternoon which left me crying for 4 hours straight, I took my good friend, Adam’s, advice and went to IMH in a cab with my mum. Like what Adam said, IMH was a really calm and serene place, which did help to calm me down. The psychiatrist said that it was serotonin imbalance (just like what Adam predicted), and I need to take two kinds of medicine. The first one helps to regulate my serotonin levels. I have to take that every night. And the second one supposedly helps to calm myself down when I am having a panic attack. I really hope the medicine works. Then it would mean that I am not suffering from anything more severe, such as a clot in the heart. That would also mean that I can soon see the end of my misery. (Hopefully.)

I am in pretty good spirits now though, for the first time in what feels like forever. In times like this, I can really tell who the people who really care for me are. And I am so lucky that there are so many of such people who care so much for me. Today, when Jueling found out that I was going to IMH because of a panic attack, she came all the way down even though she actually had another appointment. And she accompanied me all the way till the end. There’s also Adam who was always there to assure me that everything would be alright, and advised me on what to do. Even though my mum can be rather harsh with her words, she showed her care by accompanying me throughout and paying for my medical bills without hesitation. Needless to say, Amran was there too.

Apart from all these wonderful people, there are other people who listened to my problems and helped to assure me during my paranoid moments also, such as Fel, Cindy, and Xiang. I know I can always count on them. Mel as well, who often smsed me to encourage me. As irritating as my brother can be, I know that he cares greatly for me too. He knew I was having bad dreams and bought a dream catcher for me. Not that I actually believed in things like that most times, but his thoughtfulness really touched me. I am truly so damn lucky and blessed to have all these people right by my side, always supporting me, always giving me strength.

If there was one thing I have to thank God for giving me in 2009, apart from surviving, it is this, having people that love me. It is truly the greatest thing one can ever have, to love and be loved in return. It is because of such unconditional love from these people that I can pull through all these rough spots in life. On my part, I hope that I can help them in every way I can when they are having their own problems and I know that I will.

I am happy to have survived 2009 and I hope to be able to pull through 2010. Meanwhile, I have some new resolutions which I hope to upkeep and not to forget. Quit most of my bad habits such as biting my fingers, and smoking (already quit actually), eat more fruits and drink more water, maintain a proper beauty, health, and exercise regime, not take Amran for granted so much because he is one of the best things to happen to me, and be as positive as I can. 2009 has taught me countless lessons and I know 2010 will as well, perhaps gentler or perhaps more painful. But what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and I must stay alive.